#37 Ask, Don't Assume

We reflect on a missed moment with a student and uncover how assumptions, vague labels, and fast advice block real connection. Practical scripts show how clarifying questions deepen understanding at home, at work, and in faith conversations.

• the problem with assuming shared definitions
• how labels replace facts and distort meaning
• simple clarifying questions that open people up
• shifting from advice to curiosity for connection
• examples for kids, partners, and coworkers
• using reflection to repair missed moments

If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoach.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard

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Transcript

A Missed Moment Sparks Reflection

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Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy and I'm a certified life and mindset coach and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Hello and welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me today. Today is going to be kind of a quicker episode. I just want to touch on something that came up recently in my my own life, and I thought I would bring it up here. It's something that I've wanted to address a few times, kind of within a different framework, but when it happened again, I just took this as my knock alongside of the head that I think it's something I should bring up. Have you ever had those situations where you're sharing a conversation with someone, you're sharing something that's happening in your life or whatever, and they respond, and maybe it's something that's troubling you, but it doesn't really have to be. And they respond with some sort of, you know, helpful thought or a comment, and you think to yourself, that's not at all what I meant. Like you aren't, you, you knew intuitively that they didn't get what you meant. In my own life, I've had this happen where I've been talking to somebody, and maybe I've been sharing something that was kind of important to me. And I'm kind of, I can be kind of an intense person. So if I have something that I'm pretty passionate about and I'm trying to express what I'm thinking or feeling, and if somebody doesn't get it, it's super frustrating. Well, I believe this happened, I know this happened recently, and I was the one that was not understanding. So the other night I went to our local church, our faith formation program was happening, and some of the ladies there had asked me to speak to the females, to the to the girls. The boys had had a seminarian come in and it talked to them. It was about vocations, and they asked me to speak to the women, the girls, just because they couldn't find a religious sister, unfortunately. So anyway, I went in and I talked to them on some things, just mindset, capturing our thoughts, and just how the power of our thoughts affect how we show up in the world. So in the course of this, and as I was doing an instructing, there was probably, I don't know, maybe 50 girls. There was a moment where one of the tables and a girl had posed a question. And I didn't necessarily hear it, she was in the back of the room, but it was posed to something about, and I'll just give you just a little bit of brief, the the what it was about doesn't really matter. But she had said something to the nature of, you know, we had been talking about mindset and our thoughts, and I think it was the way it was stated, I don't even recall exactly, but it was something like, so we're basically gaslighting ourselves or gaslighting our thoughts. Or she said it in a way like, so this is this is what we're doing, right? Kind of it was the way it was proposed to me. And in my mind, I had understood this, that, you know, we're gaslighting ourselves through our thoughts, and I had had an interpretation of what she meant by that, which was basically meaning, and and this is going to get into exactly what I'm talking about today, but that when we're having all these thoughts, I had just explained how we have all these thoughts. And if you listen to, I think it's episode two or three of the podcast about how we have like 60,000 or 80,000 thoughts a day, and so many of them are unintentional and they're negative and self-critical and judgmental, and that they're on loop and that this is what's happening in our mind and we're not even realizing it, and that we have these thoughts that are judgmental, critical, whatever. And so in my mind, I thought she had meant we're gaslighting ourselves basically all day long. And I thought she meant basically, you know, that those thoughts are kind of attacking us and our our mind. And in thinking about it afterwards, so I just responded in a way that, you know, yeah, probably could be. And I I kind of went on because I was looking at what I wanted to talk about next, right? And but afterwards, it was on my mind, and then actually the two of the ladies that were there, two of the people that run the program, had brought it up to me and said, just we kind of went into this further, and we kind of came to the conclusion, and I said, I should have clarified exactly what she meant, because in thinking about it, I actually think that's not at all what she meant. And I didn't address what she was saying, and I think she has a wrong interpretation of what the mindset, what I was trying to, the principal I was trying to teach, and gaslighting. And so this was just a perfect example of how I really should have thought further on that. So, and in truth, it has been on my mind ever since it happened. And I'm sure there's likely some rumination going on that isn't healthy, but I think it's more than that. And I think it's about the fact that I missed the opportunity to connect with her and to better understand. And I was, you know what? How often do I do that in my life? How often do I just assume I know what the other person is saying or meaning? And I'm not really asking or asking for clarification or getting curious. And so I want to talk about that a little bit today. And I'm sure that I do this in my life, especially with my kids and those closest to me, because I'm I'm really not, you know, as I've said before, I can tend to get caught up in what I'm doing and I'm not giving it the attention that I should, but I'm sure there's a lot of people in my life where I've done that. And I think if you stop and reflect, I think you probably would find that it's true for you as well. And maybe you're somebody that's really good at listening and asking questions and clarifying. But for a lot of us, I think we fail to do that. We sort of have our ideas and judgments about what somebody else means. We think it means the same thing to us, and we just make assumptions. And when I'm coaching someone, this is what I brought up to a couple of the girls that I had talked about with this afterwards, a couple of the ladies that were running the program, is I said, it's amazing because if I was working with someone one-on-one and they had come to me and they had used a term like that, and I the one thing I would do immediately is I would say, can you clarify exactly what you mean by that? First of all, can you clarify what you mean by gaslighting? Because there's some general understanding of what that is. But for a lot of us, it might, it might be a little bit different. We might view that a little differently. And that's kind of just an I would say an umbrella term, but maybe that's not the case. Maybe I have some people out there who are psychologists or who are well trained in psychology would argue that. But for everybody to have the same exact understanding of what gaslighting is, I don't think that that's really the way it works. So basically everybody just uses terms like this, but there's a lot of terms that we use in our day-to-day life. It doesn't have to be terms like that. It could be something like selfish. You know, when I say somebody is selfish, well, does everybody think that that person is selfish? I'm using that. I'm that's a thought I'm having based on certain actions or inactions of another person, right? And I'm a I'm just labeling that and using that term. We do that with something as simple as good or bad. Could be smart. Smart is another term. Well, define smart. Now, this could be as simple as old or young. We all identify differently what who classifies or clarifies what is old and what is young? We might have some agreements on that, but it's not it's not something that's specifically defined. Another one is like fair. Like, hey, what is fair? You know, when your kids come to you and say, you know, that's not fair, or even if we think that's not fair, well, what what is fair? So I mentioned the terms like there's terms in psychology, and we could, we could, that could go into like passive aggressive or narcissism. And as I mentioned, gaslighting. Those are all terms that get thrown around in our society today, and I they have different meanings for different people. They can be interpreted differently. And let's just say they're they're left up to interpretation. I'm not talking about clinical diagnosis here, I'm just talking about how we use them when we throw them around in our conversations, when somebody will say, Well, you're gaslighting me. Well, that's that's your interpretation. So, for example, I was working with a woman that I would have been coaching, and she just at one point we were talking about she was divorced, and she made a comment about her ex-husband, and she just said, Well, he's a narcissist, and she went on. And she used that label as just that he's a narcissist. Now, technically that's a thought. It's her identification, it's a label that she's placed on her, and it might, there might be, I mean, he can maybe he meets all the criteria. That's neither here nor there. But if I'm working with someone, I want to get very clear on what she means by that term. I would want to get the facts before I move forward, right? If it's if it was helpful, if it was relevant for what she wanted help with, right? I'm not coaching him, I'm coaching, I was coaching her. But if you're in a conversation with someone and they're using terms or words that could be ambiguous or nuanced, it might be helpful to get clarification. So if someone says that someone is so selfish, right, again, who defines it? Right? We'd want to know what what do you mean by that? You'd we'd want to know some details. Very, very often you would want to know exactly what that is. So if your brother, or excuse me, if your one of your children comes in and says their brother or sister was being, you know, is being so selfish, we would, first of all, we'd say, well, what happened, right? That's a way that we clarified as parents. When we assume that we know what somebody else is saying, like I did in mine or in their statement, it can be a real source of disconnect, which is exactly what I think happened the other night. And that's probably why it's kind of bothering me, is because I wasn't able to kind of, I really wanted to go back. If I could go back and and talk to her, which I may yet, is I just want to, I want to make sure that she under I understand her. Even if she doesn't, I don't give her the answer that she likes, or if I can't give her an answer because I don't, I don't know the answer, I still wanna, I'm missing that connection that didn't happen because I wasn't able to clarify what she meant. I didn't, I didn't get there. And maybe, maybe I did understand, I'm not sure, but the reality is is I never I never bothered to find out. And so that's the danger is when we assume that we know what someone else means. Sometimes that's the way we leave our conversations. And that's the way we leave our relationships, especially those closest to us. And if there's a lack of connection, really that just means that there's a disconnection, right? So what that means in our relationships, right? If it's just a cancel casual conversation and there's no significance to it, it doesn't matter. Somebody says, hey, you should do this or do that, and I say, ah, you know what? I'm too tired, I'm too old, I'm too young, whatever. And if it does, then obviously it doesn't matter, right? But if it's a conversation that is a little bit more elevated, if somebody's struggling, or if they're really questioning something, or if they're trying to convey something to you, either about you, if they're addressing something, you know, that in you, or if it's about someone else, it's just best to take note if they're using terms that maybe could be a little bit, like I said, nuanced or ambiguous. If if you're not sure, don't make the assumption that you know what they mean. Because if it's a term that isn't universal to all or could be interpreted differently, it's really important to understand. So I'm talking about terms, right? And the way to address that is just to say something like, instead of assuming that we know what they mean, just say, what do you mean exactly by, or define, you know, in this situation, I really like I could have said to her, define gaslighting for me. But I could also just say, could you describe a scenario or could you give me a specific example of when this happened or what really happened if they are describing a situation and using a vague term? That's to clarify words. So it's just basically asking more questions to give, have them get clear and identify and define exactly what they mean by using that term. And then you can understand and respond, you know, accordingly. But this is also the truth, it's also the same when this happens when people make statements about things. We can ask clarifying questions about what they mean. So if somebody says, I am nervous about this, let's just say this upcoming test, and again, I'm using a reference of our kids because it's just what comes to my mind, but usually we're gonna respond with, you know, well, don't be nervous if you study, you know, we go on, we we go on and we we give them an answer or we try and solve their problem is a better way of saying it, without really trying to clarify or getting clarity about what they're nervous about. Why don't we ask them specifically what they're nervous about? If we're not clear on exactly what it is they're nervous about, we or even you know fearful of, often there's something underneath it. If they're nervous about it, what are they really nervous about? There might be something underneath there.

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Right?

Apply Curiosity At Home And Work

Closing Reflection And Next Steps

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And you don't have to go super deep. If you're in a casual conversation, again, but this is if you're in a one-on-one conversation, especially within people within your own home. But it could be somebody that's very close to you, a really close friend or a coworker, an acquaintance that is going through something or sharing something. One of the best ways to just if if you're not sure exactly, is just say, tell me more about that. Or what it what do you mean exactly by that? Or what is it, you know, what is it that you mean by that? Because it can be it can be true for someone's beliefs as well, their beliefs on a certain topic, especially faith. Another another example is if somebody says, you know, a kid or uh someone says to you, I don't like go to I don't like to go to school. And all of a sudden we go into all the ways why they should like it. We respond with, ah, you know, all these nice ideas and thoughts. And yet that's a very broad statement. Wouldn't it be better to say, what don't you like about school? What part of school don't you like? What is it about school that bothers you? Those are just very simple things to ask them, to help them to open up. So if somebody says, I'm not good at reading, what do you mean by that? That's just a simple question. What do you mean by that? What how are they defining good? Well, I can't, they're probably gonna go into I can't read as fast as so-and-so that are comparing themselves to somebody else. Or maybe they struggle to read a book that they're reading in class, whatever it might be. Either way, just I'm not good at it. That's just a very vague term. Ask them to give an example. And if you'll notice, the common thread in all of this is it's this hold your tongue, but ask questions. Hold your thoughts and opinions and advice and ask questions to really understand what someone else is saying or asking. We're often so quick, and I'm we're as in myself, but I I'm sure that you can find yourself in some of this as well. That's why I'm sharing this. As with myself the other night, share my thoughts and opinions, give advice, and in doing so, I missed an opportunity to really understand what was going on in the mind of that that young girl. I missed that opportunity, and I'm sure I do that way more than I'd like. And this is likely true for for many of us in our homes, at work, in a lot of our conversations. So I just want to encourage you as I'm I'm reflecting on this myself, is just stop, take the time to give others our full attention and ask, then ask the questions that we should be asking. Even if we never get to respond or share our awesome wisdom with them, it's okay. You might actually give them something far better, which is your attention and your curiosity. That's what forms connection. And that's what really matters in our relationships, isn't it? And in the end, our life is really all about our relationships. So that should be, you know, at the forefront of what we're doing, what we're working on. So with that, I'm not going to leave you with any final thoughts or advice today. Rather, I just want to ask you, when can you apply this in your own life? And as always, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoach.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.