#51 Are You Drifting Or Designing?

We explore why so many responsible, capable people slip into a quiet drift and how small, intentional practices restore clarity, purpose, and faith. Sharon shares simple questions, mindset shifts, and gentle steps to move from managing life to designing it.

• defining drifting as reactive, comfortable living that dulls purpose
• signs of drift in work, marriage, friendships, and personal life
• why we drift: overload, fear of disruption, gratitude confusion
• fixed mindset versus growth mindset and why it matters
• four reflection questions to regain agency
• living with intention: align choices to values and standards
• identity and values as anchors for clarity
• start small: choose one area and one action
• Lent as a timely container for examination and renewal

If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoach.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform, and feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.

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Transcript

Welcome And Today’s Big Idea

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy, and I'm a certified life and mindset coach, and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Most women don't implode. You know what? I'll keep this general neutral. Most people don't implode. What do I mean by that? You're probably like, what? What is she talking about? Implode. What do I mean by that? I mean most people that we know don't experience, most of us don't experience a major collapse or a breakdown in our life. We don't usually blow up our lives. And why why am I even bringing this up? Because what I'm talking about today is drifting. And what I what I mean by drifting is that we just sort of coast along. And I'll get into a little bit more what I mean by it, but we don't see major collapse in our life. We don't see a major breakdown. And again, maybe like I said, maybe you know somebody, but for most of us that isn't the reality. But what I do see is that there's a lot of us that are just drifting. And by drifting, let me just explain what I mean by that. I looked up the definition because this was the thought that came to my mind was drifting. And it was a vision I had of right, of being in a boat and just sort of being tossed about. I used to fish when I was younger. I'm not a big fisherman, but people, I'm from the Midwest, so there's a lot of people I know that fish, especially on lakes and things like that. So drifting is a common term. So you can probably get a visual of that. But when I looked it up, the verb, the way it's described, is just to be carried away slowly by a current of air or water. So it doesn't necessarily mean to be in water, but that's what the description is. To be carried along, to be carried away. It can also mean to go with the current, to coast. Another description, which is the noun, is a continuous slow movement from one place to another, is a drift. Just gives you a better idea of what I'm referring to. So I always like having a visual. I I want to really understand terms and definitions. It just helps me to get my head in the right place because we all use terms and words differently. So that's what I'm talking about. And the thing with drifting to drift is that it happens very slowly, almost unnoticeably. It's very quiet, it can be very calm. And that's why I said we don't implode. Like that breakdown, you know, burning, burning everything down in our lives, it doesn't happen all that often. And if it does, it's usually the reason we know about it is because it's kind of dramatic and we hear those stories. But for most of us, that's not the reality. Because what the r what is the reality for most of us is that we're living lives of being responsible. We can be productive, we can be faithful, we may even be grateful, but we can still be drifting. This episode is not about blowing up your life, it's just about waking up and becoming aware of the areas where you might be drifting and helping you to become intentional. So when I talk about drifting, what do I mean by that specifically in your life? I gave you a picture of the definition, right? So you picturing someone sitting in a boat drifting in the water. That doesn't help you, right? So what I'm talking about is what this looks like in your own life is living reactively, reacting to everything in your life instead of proactively, instead of being the one that's proactive. It can look like going through routines without really reflecting on them. Habits, patterns that we sort of become comfortable with, and we adopt these routines, these habits in our lives, and we never question them. We don't reflect on if they're serving us, if they're necessary, if they're not necessary. It can look like accepting what is without ever examining whether it aligns with your values or who you want to be. And it can look like managing, and not just managing, but managing well, but not necessarily designing. Because we can manage our lives really well. We really can. A lot of us do. Even if we don't feel that internally to the outside world, we may look like we're managing and that we're we're keeping it all together, but we're not really designing. So when I talk about drifting, it doesn't necessarily feel like chaos. It doesn't feel chaotic or out of control. Now, we might find ourselves in different seasons of our lives where we do feel very chaotic. Our lives are chaotic. I know I spent a large part of my life feeling very out of control. Things felt very chaotic, especially if you're a parent and you have kids at different phases of life. We definitely can feel that. But for all of us, depending upon what we're dealing with in our lives. We have any kind of health crisis or there's certain things that happen that can really throw us into some chaos. But I'm talking about just the day in and day out over the big picture of our lives. And it can feel so normal. And that's why it's dangerous. And what that can look like for us specifically is in our careers, it can look like we're staying there just because it's stable, not because it's something that we love or are aligned with or that we we have any interest in. It can look like avoiding conversations about growth or change or different things that you're seeing. And again, I'm talking about in your careers. It's just not addressing things and it's just showing up, putting in your time. Now, in your marriage, that can look like coexisting instead of really connecting. It can look like dealing with logistics over intimacy, which those of us that are parents, or if you're in that phase now or you're, you know, you're raising kids, you know, you're well aware of what I'm talking about. It becomes very transactional. You know, you're just basically tag teaming it, is what my husband and I used to say sometimes. And I know many of you can completely relate to that. It's trying to figure things out and manage. Or it can just be like assuming that this is just how marriage is. It's hard. It doesn't have to get any better than this. It's just settling for that. Now, in our friendships, it can look like just maintaining what was, maintaining the history of that friendship without trying to share in your lives together now and growing. It can look like avoiding deeper conversations and just keeping it at surface level. And in our personal life, what drifting looks like is just numbing with busyness. And that ties back into sometimes, you know, what we get caught up in the chaos and the things with our kids, but sometimes that can just be a way of numbing with the busyness because we don't want to deal with the unsatisfaction that we have in the other areas of our lives. And it can also just look like never pausing to really evaluate. It's just getting up, going through the motions, and just accepting the status quo, this is just the way things are. So I can tell you that in my own life, I can I can recall certain seasons where this was probably more apparent, but as I zoom out, if I'm being really honest, I think for most of my adult life, I settled into a drift. Even though there were moments that I was really, really, really busy and things were chaotic, it didn't mean I was bored. It just meant that I was sort of just going along with the status quo. I was just getting up and doing the same things. I wasn't questioning things. And my life looked fine on the outside. I was responsible for the most part. I was productive. I was doing what needed to be done. But internally, I didn't feel, I don't know, I didn't feel any, I didn't feel connected.

unknown 7:27

Right.

Career, Marriage, And Friendship Drift

Personal Story Of Low-Level Dissatisfaction

Lent As A Time For Examination

Why Capable People Drift

Fixed Mindset Versus Growth Mindset

The Compounding Cost Of Drifting

SPEAKER_00 7:27

And I can't say that I was seriously unhappy, but I was basically just going through the motions. And I say this all, this isn't about me, but I say this all because I know that there are many of you who are out there who are doing the same things. You find yourself just feeling a little off, like that question of every once in a while, like, there's got to be more than this. And we even if you give yourself the time to think that, that's that's good. Because a lot of times that doesn't even come up. But that's exactly what happens when we're drifting. We don't ask ourselves those deeper questions. We don't evaluate where we're headed. We don't sh we don't stop and really look at what's happening in our lives. Many of us can do this in our work. I don't know what you're doing for your work or what, you know, your careers are different, or what, even if you're doing it within your home, if you're somebody that's a homemaker, we can do this in certain areas of our lives where we're really good at evaluating and taking stock of things. But when we zoom out and take a look at the whole thing and say, where am I headed? You know, what's working, what's not working. Really just understanding that if nothing changes, everything is just going to continue as it is. And that's kind of, I didn't have some major moment where you've heard my story. I've shared it in one of the very first episodes about how I came to how I quit my job and took on this career that I'm in now. And so it I wouldn't say it was dramatic, but there was this low level of just dissatisfaction for a number of years that I hadn't shared with my husband, just saying, like, I don't know, this there's just got to be more. And when I really took the time to say, what is it that I want and gave myself that space, you know, fast forward, this is where I am today. And it wasn't, like I said, dramatic, but I realized that I was drifting. I was just going along. And I think for me, as I approached 50, I talked about this before. I think that's what happened is I realized, whoa, time is is going by very, very quickly. What do I want to do with my time? Am I living like I want to? It's just important to remember that drifting is really just about the absence of recollection and examination. And I'm discussing this today in part because we're beginning Lent. It's February. I've talked about last week, our episode tied into that. And I believe this is a really, really good time for those of us of faith that we can take these next 40 days, these next how many weeks, to examine where we're at in our lives, to go deeper and to just get more serious about how we're living and what areas of our lives could use some attention, or rather, intention. So let's talk about why it is that capable people are drifting. Why is it that that happens? I want to just clarify that drifting, it's not weakness. It's just sort of being lulled into what is. It happens without us even knowing it. And there's certain reasons for it, and it can be different for all of us, but some of the reasons are responsibility overload. And I think that was part of my situation, and I think it is for a lot of people I know, especially a lot of women, is they're just overwhelmed with responsibility. And therefore, taking the time to really stop and reflect about the bigger picture of your life and how you're living, it just gets pushed aside. So because of the responsibilities, we're kind of just, again, managing well, right? We're putting out fires, we're taking care of the most urgent and pressing issues that we don't take the time for ourselves to stop and evaluate what's what's working in our lives and what isn't. One of the other things is the fear of disruption. We like comfort, you guys. We like feeling comfortable. And so even if things aren't always working well, there is a comfort in knowing what comes next. And so we fear disrupting that. Another reason is gratitude confusion. And gratitude confusion is simply, I should be happy. I should be happy. Look at all I have, I should be happy. Now, there's some truth to that because I don't like it when it's not necessarily something that I want to have people focusing on all that they should be constantly improving. We're not trying to be so critical of our lives that we're finding fault. What I'm only suggesting here is that we take the time to say, is this working? Is this really where it lands? Is there something better out there for me? Could I improve in this area? How can I work on my marriage? How can I improve my health? Instead of just saying, I should be happy that, you know, whatever, whatever that is for you, however you finish that, we can use that and confuse ourselves into thinking that it's a way to stay more complacent. I should just be happy. And you're right, there is a there's important to be content where you're at, but it still doesn't excuse the fact of that we still have desires and we're always called to grow, right? That's the whole point of my podcast, is that we're always called to the next level of ourselves. We're always called to strive to be a better person today than we were yesterday. Now, one of the next ones is a lack of formation. And I think this is a huge women, huge issue for, and I'm speaking specifically to women now, it's a huge issue for women today, but it's for all people, but we've not received proper formation in how to manage our minds and how to manage our lives. We are just sort of we we go through 12 to 18 to however many years of education that we go through, and we're taught all of knowledge and information, but we're not given life skills on how to manage our lives. We really aren't. And so I think there's a lack of formation, and that's huge. It's why we sort of drift into things. And then also subtle fixed mindset, which there's a there's a book I read, and I'm I'm probably gonna do a podcast on it in the future because it was really, really great, but it's about mindset and it's about fixed mindset versus growth mindset. And a fixed mindset just says, this is just the way things are. You just accept this as this is it, and you don't ever think about how things could be better. How could I be better? How could my life improve? You just accept that this is exactly the way things are. And a growth mindset is says, what can I do to make this better? Or where do I want to grow in this area? It's much more problem-solving, it's much more creative, and it's much more empowering. So I just want to stress that you can be very, very good at managing your life and really never get to the point of questioning whether you're meant to design it. And that's exactly what I want to open up your mind to today. Are you drifting? Are you so good at managing your life and just doing things as you've always done them, of just controlling, sometimes controlling the chaos or controlling everything that you've never stopped to think about, that you're meant to design your life? And so that's the question I want to pose to you. I want to talk a little bit as well about how drifting compounds over time, because it does. It's something that the more you, you more you drift, the more easy it becomes. And all of a sudden, the next thing you know, it's days, it's months, it's weeks, and it's years. And it's not dramatic. It just like again, I said it's like a lull. We can kind of get lulled into this. And it doesn't have to be anything major, but we can feel this. We can feel that we're not, we're not living like we should. We can feel that something's off. And it can just feel maybe unsettled. How do we wake up to this? Because that's the important part, right? Whether you find yourself in this, and I think if you reflect, I think all of us to a certain extent, there's very few of us out there that are really, really aware of this and living this to the full extent. So I think this is helpful for most of us. So, how do we wake up to this? Well, it's it's again, as we've been lulled into this subtly, again, I'm gonna invite you to wake up to this and to be subtle. It doesn't need to be where we just blow up our whole lives. We don't need to get all frantic about I need to change everything. And I doubt that most of you would do that, but just it doesn't have to be super disruptive because the last thing that anybody wants right now in our lives, we're all very, very busy. We are very focused on the things that we're already that we find important to us. We don't need more things to do. And the last thing on earth we want is to try and just blow up our lives and start over. But it's about pausing. And it's just pausing long enough that you can assess what's happening. And that could be something that you do every day, or it can be something that you set aside, you know, at the end of the week. Just giving yourself some time to pause and reflect. And it's also about taking the responsibility for your life. And I know a lot of people don't like that word responsibility, but I have to say, responsibility is really about you taking back the power over your life. Responsibility is about you having the power and control that you have. It's a it's a great thing to take responsibility for your life, for the direction of your life. And again, it doesn't mean blowing up your life. It doesn't, it just means becoming conscious of it. And so I want to talk about this idea of examination. And examination, what I really mean by that is asking yourself some simple questions, like where am I coasting? Where am I just coasting along? Where am I tolerating? That's a really, really good one. Where am I tolerating things that I know I shouldn't be? Very often that can be in our relationships, it can be with our children, it can be in friendships, it could be with our siblings, it can be with our spouse. Tolerating things, even at work, where am I tolerating things that I really shouldn't be? Where have I stopped asking for more? Ooh, this is a big one. Isn't it hard to ask? It's really, really hard to ask for more. And I think we've been so conditioned to think that it's wrong to ask for more. How many of us struggle to ask our spouses for what we need? To ask anybody for what we need, for that matter. And then the last one is where am I reacting instead of leading? And by leading, I mean leading the charge, leading my life, leading where I, you know, where my thoughts are, leading where I my decisions, my day. And I'm not just reacting to everything that's happening to me. And again, awareness isn't about criticizing. I don't want to get, you know, where we're where you think that I'm I'm promoting, we're become over overly critical of everything we're doing. It's really just about noticing. And it's about taking responsibility and stepping into a leadership role, a leadership role of your life. Understanding that you have agency over the decisions that you make. You have agency over so much more than you think you do. How do we live with intention? I like the word intention. I know it can be overused, but I really, really like intentionality. And I want to talk about living intentionally and the need for clarity. Because intentional living is it's evaluated, it's evaluating your decisions. It's deciding it's making decisions based on uh what aligns with your values. It's making sure that when you make a decision that you're evaluating that decision, that you're not just just jumping, right? Or just reacting. We can do one of two things. We can get kind of nervous and want to make a decision quick, or we can just be so used to saying yes to certain things. But it's making decisions with a purpose. And it's choosing commitments. What are the commitments that you want to hold on to? And what are the commitments that you need to let go of that are draining you, that aren't aligning with the life that you want to create for yourself? It's setting conscious standards, setting standards for yourself, for your kids, for what you're gonna tolerate, for what you're not gonna tolerate. What are those standards that you're you're no longer gonna allow in your life? And it's regular reflection. And definitely when I say regular reflection, invite the Lord into that, right? So that it doesn't become so self-focused. We we do a lot of work on this podcast, and I a lot of the people that I work with, it can be very tempting to just start navel gazing. And by that I mean just becoming all about us and ungodly self-reliance and trying to figure all these things out. We can either start to see all of our faults or we can start to think we're better than we really are. It can lead to pride. But either way, always inviting the Lord into that. But then it's also active participation in your own life. Active participation in your own life. We're really, really, really good at being active in the lives of our kids and sometimes even our spouses, and sometimes in our church communities and in our school communities and whatever else, at work, wherever we find ourselves, we can be really, really active participants. But are you an active participant in your own life and how you're living? So I want to just make this clear again. It intentional living doesn't need to be, it doesn't need to mean that you're so self-absorbed. It doesn't need to mean that you're closing the door on the rest of the world. Doesn't mean because the whole point of this, when you're living with intention, you're growing an awareness of what's important to you in your life and living a life of purpose and fulfillment for the very reason that you can go out and be a gift to the world, that you can share your gift to the world. It's not for you. Yes, you'll find fulfillment, yes, you'll find peace, yes, you'll find joy, yes, you'll find contentment. But the whole purpose is that you can be a self-gift, that you can bring that gift to others. So that's the whole purpose behind this. Again, I want to talk about the need for clarity with intention, because clarity, it begins, like I said, it begins with examination and examination of what? Examination of who you are, meaning your identity. And that is simply your unconditional worth, and it means what you deserve and what you were created for. So that examination of a life of intention, of designing the life with intention, is about first understanding who you are and knowing your worth and what you deserve in your life and what you were created for, and then also what you value. Because when you know who you are and you understand Your worth, you stop drifting into roles that don't fit for you. You stop tolerating and accepting things that no longer serve you. You start setting standards that align with who you want to be. And when you're clear about what you value and what's important to you, you stop drifting into projects and commitments that don't align with those values. So that's super important. This is the basis of designing a life with intention and purpose. And it's knowing who you are and knowing what you value. Because honestly, if you don't know who you are, if you don't know your unconditional worth, if you don't know why God created you and what he created you for, and that you deserve to have a life of intention and a life of meaning, then you're never going to seek that. But it does begin with awareness. So I just want to remind you that I know this can seem kind of daunting. And the last thing I want, I give you a lot of information on these podcasts usually. And I don't want it to become, if you can just take one or two things from what I say here, that's really, that's really what that's really what I hope for. But I'm just giving you some because some people really do like all the information. So I'm going to give you as much as I can, hoping that you'll find something that lands with you today. I again, it can seem daunting, but and I know that it's hard to stop and evaluate your life for many reasons. For many reasons. Because again, because you're busy, because you might fear that disruption, and because it's uncomfortable to take a look at things and to actually say, what's not working? It can be easier to coast, it can be easier to drift. But also, you know what? You don't have to reinvent your whole life. You don't have to reinvent, just pick one area of your life. I talked about your career, I talked about your relationships, I talked about your marriage, it can be your contribution or basically what you bring to the world or where you where you contribute to those around you. It can be any area of your life. You know, you know where you're drifting right now. If you're stopping to evaluate it all, you're gonna know where that is. It might be in your health. So just take some time and reflect. And it's about becoming aware and waking up to it. Because unfortunately, if you stay, if you stay in the drift, it's comfortable, like I said. But the cost of that is regret. It's regret. At some point in your life, you're gonna regret that you didn't take the time to pursue more. And you know, the reward of moving from adrift to design is gonna lead to a life of purpose, a life of meaning, and a life of fulfillment. That's what feels like being alive. That's what it feels like to be alive. It's satisfying, and it's really all the things that we desire. Maybe you've pushed that desire down, but as humans, this is what we desire. And when I talk about, you know, helping you to become happy and holy, it's really about living a life that satisfies. It's a life that aligns with your values. It's not self-serving. This isn't this work isn't self-serving, but it's about designing the life and living the way God created you to live. Because remember, you were not meant to drift through your life. You were meant to design it. And until next time, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoach.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform, and feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.